Thus far, the early stages of my life have been good to me. Insofar as I can recall, I’ve yet to experience any illness or affliction warranting worry or complaint. I’ve had all my shots as a child, leisured through my episode with chicken pox and never had any problems with my teeth. No serious infections to report, never known to be deficient in any vital nutrients and hardly had a cold or flu; never have I ever even experienced motion sickness.
In short, the state of my health has been pretty good. So good, in fact, that I’ve felt entitled to indulge in some of life’s more hedonistic pleasures. I feel that it’s only right – such a strong condition of well-being and sturdy immune system would only be wasted if not used to its full extent. (Why own a ferrari if you don’t put your foot down every so often, right?) I mean, I’ve read about all the health warnings and noted all the dangers in partaking in certain activities, moreover, I’ve been told about the cumulative effects of neglecting to look after one’s self, but, thus far those effects have not manifested in any perceptible manner. Furthermore, socialising over a few beers is one of our country’s greatest pastimes, who am I to argue with tradition? And what is a brew if not accompanied by a cigarette? And the pleasure derived from this combo can only be heightened after a lavish dinner and followed by a night on the town. Of course this type of behaviour isn’t for everyone but again, not everyone has been lucky enough to be born with the endowments to withstand such rigorous pleasures.
Last I checked – and I did as part of a regulatory practice before starting an old job – my bill of health was faultless. As I was informed at the time by the health professional, my hearing was above average, vision was better than perfect and my sense of smell, taste and touch, respectively, all present and accounted for. I do admit that this was some years ago, however, I know good and well that all my necessary functions are still operationally fine. How do I know? Well, Gal Gadot is a beautiful sight from any distance, I can still tell you that Ke$ha sounds like rubbish, my nose alerts me as to when I *should* shower, I tend to flinch and move away when I feel pain and my taste buds still dance when they come into contact with ice cold beer. All signs of a healthy individual.
Now admittedly, there have been murmurs of objection in regard to my views on the state of my own health and of course ones health isn’t limited to the operation of one’s senses. I’m aware of this, so let me also reassure you that the rest of my physiology is in perfectly usable condition as well. While friends have informed me of the audible wheezing noise I make after walking a particular distance, they are comforted when I reply that the sound only occurs when I’m doing physical activity – my breathing is perfectly tranquil and noiseless when I’m sitting still. Similarly, I have been told that my coughing and spluttering (apparently somehow connected to my penchant for smoking) isn’t a good indication of the condition of my lungs. Why not? That’s what they’re supposed to do when they’re clearing themselves – I’d be worried if they weren’t doing that. Furthermore, it has been suggested that I should, for some unstated reason, “go for a walk.” Well, I feel that I’m quite capable of that task already and am not in need of anymore practice. In terms of dexterity, I truly believe that mine is second to none, evident by the absolute precision with which I am able to pour a drink without spilling a drop, even after my twelfth. My kidneys and liver have never given me any problems despite the fact that I have not shown them reciprocal kindness, and any headaches I experience are only a consequence of my own alcohol-fuelled volition. All things considered, my body is whole and complete and my bodily functions operate as their purpose would have them – all this despite a pretty voluptuary lifestyle.
Nonetheless, despite being such a marvellous natural oddity on the inside, the presentation has seen some decline. I mean, I did notice a little discolouring in certain areas and some silhouettes weren’t quite as detailed as I remembered them to be but I was of the impression that this was a mark of seniority. ‘Character illustrated by age’ was the look I thought I portrayed, ‘character illustrated by Ralph Steadman’ is probably closer to accurate. And so, at the behest of friends and family who concern over my appearance and well-being, and probably just to prove to them that I am completely healthy and in very little need of any upgrade, I plan to undertake a programme of self-improvement. Starting next week, over the course of the semester, I will attempt to endure all manner of health fads, diets and various methods of self-development with the aim of improving my health and well being. This column shall chronicle my pilgrimage to #fitspo showcasing how I’ve chosen to waste my time and money on things I don’t really want to do for a purpose that I believe is unnecessary. In any case, join Craccum each week as we strive to provide the reader some entertainment at the cost of my comfort and pride.