Eccentric Life Advice #2: How to Cry

It is best done in the rain but never wait more than three days for the right weather. Night is the best time to begin, as one generally does not wish to be interrupted once it is begun, and generally it is preferable to do it in isolation. A full moon will draw the biggest tears but, again, never wait more than three days.

Ensure one has the following supplies on hand:

  • Warm, soft, pajamas
  • A bed made up with freshly washed bedding
  • A hot or cold drink of your choosing, sans caffeine.

It is useful to prepare the face with a gentle, thorough, cleansing. Plenty of warm water and a soft cloth are ideal, with the use of a little makeup remover if one is inclined to apply such things in the first place. Alternatively, you may wish to apply makeup with the intent of watching your tears make little tracks down your cheeks. Either practice is considered legitimate.

When it is time, put on the pajamas and assemble the drink. Position yourself amongst surroundings that you find more comforting than disturbing. This is subjective. Common places include: warm baths, scented gardens, libraries, and seaside caves. A place you find a little disturbing can be helpful in starting the flow of tears.

Cry until it hurts. Rehydrate yourself as you go. You might use a handkerchief to catch the tears, or collect them in a small vial for later uses, or let them soak into the ground wherever they fall. Again, all are legitimate practices.

When you are done, crawl into your freshly made bed and sleep deeply. Do not allow yourself to cry in bed. If you feel another bout of tears coming on, crawl out and cry elsewhere, even if you only make it to the bedroom floor.