Life of all spectrums across Earth came to a rather rude awakening today, as their respective continents and local biospheres were drastically changed in order to accommodate the views of the New Zealand woman that had finally broken God’s infinite back. The All-Father is reportedly ‘done’ with humanity following the comments of Sharon Wellsley of the town of Huntly, and decided that ‘letting her have what she wants’ is the only method to get her to cease and desist. God’s voice spoke across the expanse of time and space, with the creator of all existence seemingly turning his back on all that he had made in his image: “You wanna believe all that? Like, go off, I guess.”
The globe was irreparably shattered and flattened into a disc shape, with His mighty hand ripping apart landmasses within the blink of an eye. Entire chunks of Earth’s crust were flung into the corners of the universe, with the precious flora and fauna on them never to be seen again. NASA is reporting the hologram that comprised of the Southern Hemisphere has been switched off entirely, but as it only contained 10% of the world’s population, many Americans do not seem to be bothered. The agency is also reporting that temperatures across our blue disk are now settling at 20 degrees Celsius, with many in the nation of China seemingly furious that the plan to trick the Western world with climate change has fallen through. One anonymous source close to God has said that ‘also rewritten science on a more local level’, with evidence coming in that vaccines do, in fact, cause autism and that depression rates are plummeting with the news that fresh air is resetting serotonin levels to healthy levels. While these changes are being met with horror across the surviving remnants of society,
Local bigot and Huntly mother Sharon Wellsley is the aforementioned woman that is being cited as ‘ended God’s close relationship with creation’ and drove a wedge between the limitless being and the laws of nature it had put in place. Ms Wellsley was an admin or founding member of many of New Zealand’s most prominent anti-science Facebook groups, with particular interest in anti-1080 propaganda and putting an end to the hoax of ‘global Earth’. While Ms Wellsley could not be reached for comment due to the reshaping of Earth vacating the Australasian continent into the vacuum of space, a representative of one of her groups has declared this ‘a victory’ for their Facebook group of 68 members.
It is not clear what comment in particular broke God’s patience – while proving His existence in these actions, He declined to give comment on what precise thought of Ms Welley’s actually set His rage in motion. Sharon Wellsley had been under home detention following ‘an incident’ at a Super Liquor and had been posting an extreme amount of content on Facebook in the six weeks following, none of which is legible due to the complete departure from normal human thought processes. However, high profile linguists are claiming that while Wellsley spent most of her days since the Super Liquor incident publicly complaining about various races and posting pictures of her son Jaxon, the isolation caused by her home detention caused more and more volatile anti-science ramblings on the groups she administrated. It can be inferred that one of these ramblings finally caused God to passive aggressively doom life to a rapid decline and eventual extinction.
This story was first reported on Reuters.