Guest Column: With Apologies To Paris Hilton

While reading Keeara’s Cheap Eats spotlight this week (check it out in Lifestyle), I came across the shocking revelation that Paris Hilton once entertained the idea of a music career in the late 00’s. Being a 2000 kid, this was news to me, and I’m sure it may strike you the same way if you’re only just entering university. However, our editor Bailley has reassured me that Paris did indeed have a singing career, and a highly forgettable one at that. But not to worry, because here at Craccum, we’re willing to dig deep for the scoop on any hot topic, so that you don’t have to. From Stuart McCutcheon’s Greatest Hits to Paris Hilton’s Greatest Hits; you’re right, this part of the magazine couldn’t have gone downhill any quicker.

“Good Time”

If you manage to look past the fact that the opening lyrics, “I am a good time”, are awfully presumptuous, the absolutely incoherent mumblings that conjugate the remainder of the song throw whatever conviction you originally had of having a ‘good time’ out the window, into the path of a moving bus. The appearance of Lil Wayne is laughable, and is solely driven by his stoic determination of rhyming “butt” and “fuck” as many times as humanly possible. I can safely assure you, contrary to what the title suggests, this was not a good time.

1/10 – In the words of my idol Simon Cowell, “The only resemblance that had to Mariah Carey would be her CD left out in the sun for a year, and then trying to play it”.

“Nothing in this World”

 The music video is absolutely horrific, plagued with references to bullying and sexual misconduct. Without a single redeeming quality to mention at all, it sets the tone for the standard of music that follows. Managing to slip the phrase “da da” into her lyrics countless times, it makes you wonder whether she hired a toddler to draft vocals. 

The World Health Organization recently released a report documenting a lack of oxygen in health-care facilities as a major barrier to quality care. Imagine when they find out Paris Hilton is wasting it belting out this shocker.

2/10 – In the words of my idol Simon Cowell, “You just killed every cat in Denver”.

“Stars are Blind”

Unfortunately, opening the song with a reggae beat does not manage to ease to flow of verbal diarrhoea that follows. The only way to justify how painful this track is would be if it were originally produced for a birthing mix. Hilton adopts a raspy, effortful voice about as musical as an asthma attack, and paired with a heavy drum beat, ensures the song lands closer to the richter scale than any octave scale.

Yes Paris, the stars are blind, but they’re not deaf.

1/10 – In the words of my idol Simon Cowell, “yes you have personality, but my dog has personality”.

Paris Hilton’s music is summed up by taking the sweet and innocent music of Carly Rae Jepsen, and bludgeoning to death its elegance and charm. Possessing lyrics with the imagination of a six-year old on Minecraft for two hours, Hilton revolutionizes music by seamlessly transitioning from a singing voice to a groan, then to a moan, and by the end of the Screwed track, some sounds that I am yet to identify. To say that it were Burger King bathroom music would be an insult to Burger King bathrooms. But I concede that at least the first ten seconds of each track are salvageable, and since this remains a fair and impartial review, I am inclined to give her that point.

1/10 – In the words of my idol Simon Cowell, “thank you. No”.