We receive our first ‘Letter to the Editor’ at Craccum, and frankly, we’re too excited to care that it was written by our own subeditor! This letter calls into question the editorial for Issue 2, titled ‘What to do when you have already peaked”.
Last week, I had the (unsolicited) privilege of watching Billy T Award winner comedian David Correos run around the Shadows garden in a thong, and make out with our absolutely horrified AUSA President Anand Rama as part of his comedy set. Understandably, you might be thinking ‘back the fuck up, that’s way too much to load on us in one opening sentence’, but that’s a story for another news summary (that you can read in this issue funnily enough!).
But before you run off to Daniel’s section, the reason I bring up this story is that while watching this grown man leap from table to table in the Shadows garden, knocking over whatever pint glass obstructed his way, in a manner that I can only compare to Shia Labeouf in Sia’s Elastic Heart, the sudden realization dawned upon me that for David Correos, this was as good as it’s going to get. When else in your fucking life are you going to be able to tell someone you ran around near-naked in a student bar, made out with the student association’s president, all while wearing nothing but a loose-fitting thong? Then again – if he somehow managed to become an AUSA-sponsored stripper, he would be doing more or less the same thing.
Never mind, because my point is that for Issue 2, Craccum’s editor-in-chief Bailley wrote an editorial titled ‘What to do when you have already peaked’. And for the first issue (after the one where we finally started getting our shit together), that’s a pretty terrifying thing to analyse. You, I, Bailley and David Correos are at the beginning of our lives, with everything to live for. But because even I am terrified of my own advice, this isn’t a mental health or help piece. This is simply for because you think you’ve peaked, and I’m here to tell you that you haven’t.
1. Reflection: Why do you consider this a peak? Did it involve Shadows bar, a whole bottle of wine and a loose-fitting thong? No? There you go then, you haven’t peaked. What was that, you wanted to receive that information in a flow chart format? It’s ten minutes until deadline, so just fucking move on to the next bullet point.
Well, what if your peak did involve a drunken Shadows tirade then? Well someone from the future is going to tell you tomorrow that you’ll top it. That bottle of wine turn into two, the Craccum subeditor in the audience will turn into a news reporter from Critic, and your thong will turn into, well, what thong?
You’ll always have another drunker day, so until then recuperate and write the best jokes you can for it!
2. Action: So enough time has passed from when you thought you peaked? Well, what’s stopping you from getting out there again and putting on a show! Is it the lack of flow chart in this column? I’m not humouring you.
Well if you’re still here, it seems like something is clearly bothering you. You’ll never achieve anything you’ll envision as great if you constantly live in the shadow of your past. The highest peak in the fucking world couldn’t stop Sir Edmund Hillary from driving a tractor through Antarctica.
3. Vent about it on Facebook: Because you’re always your best self on Facebook (that’s how it works, right?). Delete your outdated 18th photos from your album, take that job you got fired from three years ago off your bio. Purge your likes and your century-old memberships to dead pages and groups respectively. There’s no shame in removing an insensitive post from seven years ago, it’s a new you! Tell the world the great things you managed to do, and promise them even better for the future!
4. Tick-Tock: Ten minutes till deadline? No. You’re staring at ten minutes until greatness. To burst your bubble for a second though, it’s “Does it fit your designated gap in Craccum?”, not “does it fit you”. Get it in for proofreading.