Wanking, jacking off, the taco handshake, celebrating Palm Sunday, consulting with Doctor Jack-off or having a Girl’s Night In. However you say it, everybody masturbates. It’s no wonder that so many artists have turned to their music to describe the time they touched themselves. I’ve rated the top ten songs about masturbation, in no particular order:
“I’d rather lay in bed and Motherlove myself”
Bea Miller is sick of men having all the fun, throwing off the disappointing two-minute hookups – she’d rather just do it better herself.
“I don’t need you. My touch is better. I’m rolling much harder”
Charli XCX goes in hard on this track. Rejecting her love, finding solace in herself, nothing screams bodily autonomy than touching yourself.
“But your empty eyes seem to pass me by and leave me dancin’ with myself”
Idol himself has proclaimed that this song is not about being lonely and having a wank but… there are just too many signs for that not to be the case. Please tell me more about those ‘love vibrations’ aye Billy. He’s just dancing with himself in the club, definitely not touching himself.
“It’s just you and your hand tonight”
Pink (or is it P!nk?) has always vibed her own self-independence, but this song is a savage rebuttal to being hit on in Impala.. Pink craves to get out, get drunk and not get hit on. Female empowerment, rejection of club creeps and a song about masturbation? Three times yes.
“When I think about you I touch myself”
Completely not subtle and extremely creepy – Divinyls are telling you straight up that you’re making them horny and that is just something you shouldn’t really say to people. I’ve heard slow covers of this song and it doesn’t really make it better? If you want to tell someone on Tinder you find them hot, don’t fucking quote Divinyls.
“Pictures in my mind on replay. I’m gonna touch the pain away”
On the mostly unknown kiwi Youtube series, Pop on the Couch, Alex Casey described this song as a great song to play at a fun run, and I can’t totally take that thought out of my head even though Hailee is clearly talking about having a taco Tuesday. Hailee even wears this tee-shirt that says ‘self service’ in the music video – what bigger sign is there than that.
“I lay around, touch myself to pass the time”
Appearing on Joanne, ‘Dancin’ In Circles’ takes that country, ska and reggae vibe to a place of self-worship. You expected a Gaga song on this list, didn’t you? Well, this is the one. She’s dancin’ in circles.
“you got the star of my liquid dreams”
You probably haven’t heard of O-Town. Neither had I, ‘till I did some searching. They’re some boy band, and the music video for this song is so early ‘00s it’s fucking great. O-Town are a bit creepy in this song, talking about some girl who’s a mix of Destiny’s Child, Madonna and Janet Jackson – a truly strange combination.
“B is for battery, O- operated, B is for better, cos he’s not complicated”
Macy Grey once wrote a song that was nominated for three Grammys and won one. Now she writes songs about her vibrator. Go figure. This song isn’t fucking around, you know exactly what It’s up to. I can’t imagine loving a vibrator so much you write a whole song about it. What are you doing Macy?
(Arts Editor: SHE’S LIVING. YOU CAN WRITE WHAT YOU WANT WHEN THE AS TOLD BY GINGER THEME SONG PAYS THE BILLS!)
“I’ll just dance for myself, back on my beat”
I’m still unsure if this one is actually about masturbation, but a lengthy office debate surrounding it resulted in the conclusion that it really could be. Carly is having a party-for-one after all, and if Billy Idol can’t dance alone, then neither can Carly Rae Jepsen. She’s definitely masturbating after being broken up with. It happens Carly.