You’ve been having a couple of drinks and enjoying yourself – nothing heavy, but enough to let loose when your song comes on. You’re shakin’, you’re groovin’. But then you turn your head, and you see him. It’s Grimace. He’s looking directly at you. You feel flustered and you blush.
Grimace wordlessly beckons you with one of his fleshy fingers. You go over. What are your first words?
A) I’m not here with anyone else, purple man. I’ve got some coke in my purse if you’re interested.
B) Oh my God! I didn’t think you’d look this beautifully proportioned in person!
C) I’m so glad you’re doing well! Wanna take a selfie?
D) Grimace, my pussy is quivering for a kiss.
Grimace smirks. Holding a gin and tonic in his stump hands, he says that not only is he impressed by your body, he enjoys your spunk. He beckons to a car waiting outside – it’s a 2019 Porsche 718 Boxster T, top of the line. You grin, and gladly walk outside the club. You hop in. Grimace asks where you want to go to get some food. Just not McDonald’s, he only goes there for work.
A) Do you think you’d be able to get me into Harbourside? I need some scallops. It’s a Friday night, but surely they’d make an exception for you.
B) There’s some beautiful Korean BBQ not far from here!
C) Can we get some, uhhhhh, pizza?
D) Grimace, I douched earlier for a reason.
Grimace pays for the bill, and escorts you back to the car. He asks if you’re having a good time, and if you want to head back to his place. You go red. Yes on both counts. Grimace, happy that you are happy, soon pulls up at his place. A gentleman, he suggests that you text your friends where you are, and that you send some pictures so they see who you are with. He wants you to feel safe and assured. Grimace says to make yourself at home while he gets the good wine. What music do you tell Alexa to put on?
A) ‘Enjoy the Silence’ – Depeche Mode
B) ‘The Boss’ – Diana Ross.
C) ‘Walk Like an Egyptian’ – The Bangles
D) ‘Kiss’ – Prince
Grimace walks in, two glasses in hand. He said he’s always loved this song, and he can’t believe you’re a fan too. You drink – when you put your lips to the glass, you can sense the wealth in the drink. But soon he claps, and the lights dim. He stretches out his hand, and you grab it with a demure grin. He slowly walks you to his bedroom, pointing out precious artefacts that dot the walls in the house that McDonald’s built. When you turn the corner into the room, you’re expecting to undress at any moment. But when you enter, you just see a singular Big Mac™ on the immaculate sheets. Grimace asks you to do whatever it is that you please with it while he watches.
A) You take the buns, put them on top of your nips and lick your lips.
B) You stand still and contemplate what to do. After 30 seconds, you slip the Big Mac™ under your shirt and tell him to find it.
C) You just eat the burger. You’re still hungry.
D) You take off your clothes, put some of the trademarked special sauce on your finger and dab it across your genitals. You then spread your legs.
With an intense look of lust in his eyes, Grimace turns off the lights. He asks you to strip and you gladly oblige. Having never worn clothing in his life, Grimace is always ready for action. You climb onto the bed, and Grimace lumbers on after you. When you look under the covers, you get the surprise of your life. Being a vaguely anthropomorphic taste bud, you weren’t expecting Grimace to be packing anything. But when you hear the thump on the mattress, you realise that he just keeps it hidden, only whipping it out of his fat folds for special occasions. It’s a night you will remember for the rest of your life. The next day, after sleeping the best sleep you’ve had in your entire life, Grimace wakes you up with a kiss. He says good morning beautiful, your Uber is waiting. How do you respond?
A) You give him your number, not really caring if he calls.
B) Mind if I smoke first?
C) Aw! Thank you so much! And it’s discounted too? So cute.
D) Next week. Same bar, same time.
Mostly As) Grimace thinks you’re the savoury flavour he’s wanted for so long.
Mostly Bs) Grimace wishes he could taste you again.
Mostly Cs) Grimace says you’re sweeter than a sundae.
Mostly Ds) Grimace wants you to come back to his playground sometime.