Okay look, everyone out there has their ideas about how students can save money, and let’s be real, these ideas don’t take it far enough. It’s not enough to not purchase coffee on campus, it’s not enough to pack lunch at home, you need to take budgeting to an extreme level. $4 a day saved isn’t enough, I want to save hundreds, no… thousands of dollars. Who cares at what personal cost, who cares if everyone thinks you’re a cheapskate. When you have all that money in the bank to keep you company.
You’ll see a lot of budget guides tell you that you can just make coffee at home. But why not take it that much further? Stop drinking coffee altogether. Caffeine is only a replacement for sleep and the withdrawal symptoms are all in your head. Stop making plans for any later than 10pm in order to get enough sleep for the next day.
Fuel is so expensive! Driving is terrible for the planet. You could consider cutting down on your driving and trying to use public transport more. But again, that isn’t good enough. Stop driving completely. Sell your car. Ask your friends for lifts in return for favours and start walking everywhere. Don’t even use public transport – That $3.50 bus fare all adds up. You must now rise at 6am and charge into the world with your hiking boots on.
Your electricity bill reflects your wastage! No one needs lights on at night – especially when you’re going to bed so early. Unplug all your appliances and only use them when necessary. Stop using your microwave and oven. Burn driftwood and roast food over an open fire for a delicious smoky flavour.
Showering requires electricity to heat the water! In the 18th century, people rarely bathed and everything turned out fine! A whore’s bath with a cold flannel will do you good, nothing wrong with it. Make sure the water is cold though. Not only does this tip save water, it also is great for waking you up on those cold winter mornings.
But like, really, eat plant based. Not eating meat and animal products is so good for your wallet! All plant matter is healthy, go out there and find fruit trees – It’s like Animal Crossing but in real life! -. Sneak into your neighbour’s gardens, steal their vegetables. If they don’t have vegetables, cut down their trees and eat the bark, it’s very fibrous. Grazing grass like a cow will work too.
Dumpsters and the tip are great stores of lost and discarded treasures. Anything that seems dirty really only needs a wash with water and you’re good to go! This is a great way to find plastic containers for leftovers, old appliances you can reuse, and all sorts of miscellaneous bric-a-brac! Bonus tip, find a clothes peg to put over your nose to avoid smelling that intriguing rubbish smell
You don’t need new clothes. Don’t be ridiculous. Wear all the things in your wardrobe already. If they get holes in them, keep wearing them, holes in clothes is fashion these days. Thanks Kanye. If you really need clothes, make your own from found fabrics. The homemade look is very chic.
Internet at home costs you! And it’s not social! Go out to public areas and leech off the free WiFi. Alternatively, ask your neighbours for their password because your wifi is ‘broken’. Keep using it until they figure out you’re on the network and change the password. Then, switch neighbours. That charade could last you up to a year!
University is expensive! And with all your new changes, you don’t have time. Between your early bedtime, walking everywhere and the constant search for Free WiFi, you have enough things to fill your day with! Life is grand.