Looking for things to keep you busy during the inevitable university shut-down? Lachlan Mitchell and Daniel Meech give you their top picks.
Ah shit, you’ve possibly been exposed to the harbinger of our economic destruction: COVID-19. Dystopia is much less interesting than we wanted it to be, didn’t we? We couldn’t even get to Bayonetta 3 before the first global pandemic of the modern era came to finish us off. Well, you heard Jacinda – lock yourself away, and don’t come up for air until you’re either sick as a dog or totally clear of the virus. Unless you’re an Italian tourist gladly threatening to flout the strict self-isolation policy, in which case, choke on our shit!
For those that either are or know they will be self-isolating in the oncoming days and weeks, the threat of cabin fever may seem like a real possibility. But worry not – we at Craccum have devised a foolproof list of methods to entertain yourself and stave off the ennui of quarantine. Well, in the short breaks from fingering yourself that’ll comprise the rest of your time. Just be sure to change the sheets every day or two, you rascals! Don’t want some equivalent of trench foot from all the fluids that’ll be omnipresent in your bedroom!
You’re playing the daughter of Ellen Ripley, but how different is the setting, really? Think of it as an interactive experience with the situation you’ve found yourself in today – you’re trapped in an increasingly cramped setting with no one to trust but yourself, and you must evade the single-minded pathologically-driven alien lifeform that seeks nothing but to eviscerate your body. You must avoid the Xenomorph at all costs, for there is no fighting back. You can only wait until you have the all clear. There is only running, and hiding. Sound familiar? Well, probably not the running. Might not be doing much of that for a while.
The British quiz show is either utterly incomprehensible and lost behind inscrutable Britishisms that make you wonder how they managed to see over countless genocides the world over, or it is an absolute cracker of an experience. The mad lads! Thankfully, the latter is what we have here; hosted by lifelike oak puppet Jimmy Carr, there are over a decade’s worth of shows easily compiled into Youtube playlists. Each episode deals with a particular time period, but it’s so easy that it’s not about winning, unless you’re Jonathan Ross.
Much like Jimmy Stewart, you’ve gone and put yourself in a situation where you’re totally cut off from the outside world, except for what you can see from your little windows into the lives of others. When you get bored of getting killed by the xenomorph, why not take a little peek outside? If you live in a wealthy, gated neighbourhood, get out your binoculars and really close in on their faces – Janice has never had to spend more than three hours around her husband before, and the slow realisation that her life is nothing but a Douglas Sirk piece of crushing suburban sadness may be the breaking point for her fragile psyche. If you see a murder, you’ve lived an authentic Rear Window experience! Congrats! Now, don’t send Grace Kelly over to investigate, because then she’d be breaking quarantine and would have to be deported.
Look, it’s misogyny through and through. Like, holy shit, the late ‘00s really were medieval – which is appropriate, because only a few years later, the plague is back. But can misogyny be… good? Do women be shopping? That is the question Charm School purports to answer. It’s not right, but maybe it’s not wrong. Sometimes misogyny makes some must-see tv.
Our knowledge of the known symptoms of this strain of coronavirus means that, unless you have a separate illness happening at the same time, you won’t be shitting yourself to the point of dehydration. But if you want to do that, then look no further than Biohazard; easily the most frightening game I’ve played in a long time, and there’s no better vehicle to explore the effects of a devastating bioweapon on a small group of people. Because that’s what COVID-19 is, r/conspiracies.
Interested in figuring out just how we’re in such a fucked situation, but can’t put the words to your lips? Running low on snacks in this post-apocalyptic environment, but lack a fair method of deciding who in your quarantine cell needs to die so that the herd may survive? Bring out that dusty board of Monopoly, and let the guiding hand of the free market decide who lives and dies! With Monopoly, the simulation will spell out all the answers; you better get lucky and hope you can afford the extortionate fine, or the greed of the unrestrained and deregulated capitalist cattle will rob you of your dignity, your health, and your life! Good luck!
Ever wondered what would happen if Cristiano Ronaldo fucked an excel spreadsheet? No? Too bad! Football Manager (FM) is here to stay. FM is exactly what it sounds like: an excruciatingly accurate simulation of the tedious work that goes on behind-the-scenes at your favourite club. As manager, you’ll be expected to control finances, interact with coaching staff, run training sessions, and more. The only thing you won’t have to do is play an actual game of football. If it doesn’t sound like fun, don’t worry – that’s not the point. FM isn’t so much a videogame as a second (or even first) job. Between negotiating contracts and upscaling training facilities, this game sucks AND sucks up time like nobody’s business – making it the perfect app to keep yourself distracted over the coming months of isolation. Best of all, it’s free to download on Steam until the 25th of March.