Toilet Reviews of UoA

I like to stay hydrated. I am a prolific pee-er. I have peed in many toilets, far and wide, bad and worse. Read on to see how UoA shapes up, plus, a special guest section on unisex toilets on campus.

Arts 1 / 2

Charming. Quaint. Idyllic. I want to invite Architectural Digest into these toilets and offer a celebrity-style YouTube tour. Standout feature? The blue tiling. I once took a selfie here, and it was the nicest selfie I have ever taken. 7.5/10.

Kate Edger

Ding ding ding don’t do it. It’s d-d-d-disgusting. I hope the alliteration gets the point across. Still, a very central and convenient location for a quick pee-and-dash. 2/10. 

Level 0 Kate Edger

The level 0 toilets deserve a special mention, due to their convenient location for emergency situations. I have fond memories of hightailing it into Munchy Mart at 9:30 p.m. on a Thursday night, and staring down the male cashier while purchasing my super tampons and coconut water. 8/10 location, but ew, still Kate Edger. 3/10. 

Shads         

Talking exclusively the old Shads here. I thought about visiting the new one for the sake of this review, but, honestly, ceebs. Also, going to Shads purely to piss rather than getting pissed feels wrong. Almost as wrong as the new location. Anyway, the old, shitty (ha) toilets built camaraderie. Many a time would a lock be broken, or toilet paper absent, causing us in the toilet to band together, pool our resources, and form life-long bonds. 5.5/10. 

General Library

I think everyone has been to these toilets at least once. It often smells that way. Despite this, I find these toilets oddly comforting. A nice oasis away from catching up on the years’ worth of lectures I didn’t attend. Also once cried about my dead dog here. If you want some privacy, head to the level 6 toilets, which have their very own tiny staircase going up to them. Cool! 6/10 objectively, but, on a personal level, 7/10.

General Library Basement

Poorly lit, and the hand-drying towels on the right-hand side are constantly broken. The only things I appreciate about these toilets are the size and location. Even so, there is often a line in-between lectures for this shithole. 4/10.

Building Adjacent to Clocktower Which is Still Confusingly Named Clocktower on the Map

These toilets are the crème de la crème of UoA toilets. When people complain about uoa wilding out and spending money irresponsibly, this is what they mean. When people say they like the white marble home decor aesthetic, this is the inspiration. When I pee, I pee here. Widely spaced-out sinks, lovely full-length frosted windows; these toilets have it all. They are also usually empty. Considering bringing my friends in here to eat our $5 vegan lunches if all the good spots outside are taken. The winner: 10/10. 

New Science Building

I really enjoy pressing the buttons on the doors to get to the ground-floor toilets here. And while I have never personally visited the upper level toilets, UoA Meaningful Confession no. #1809 said they were their favourite, and “really clean”. Said confession received many likes, so must be accurate. 9/10.

Clocktower

Not a lot to say about this one. Cute. Vintage. A bit small and old, but, tiles! 7/10.

OGGB

Yikes. My feelings are summed up in UoA Meaningful Confession #2093, which tells the sad tale of some poor soul trying to pee in the mens, but having to hold it so some students could finish their renegade tik tok dance. Not cool! Toilets are large, if a little sterile, cold, and gray, much like the students themselves who use them. 5/10. 

Engineering

Hard to say, seeing as the one time I stepped foot in this building, I felt a strong desire to leave. Come to think of it though, I did briefly pee in these toilets when I was forced to sit an exam in this building. Pretty standard experience. 6/10.

Architecture/Conference Building

Seeing as the Arts faculty is perennially lacking facilities, I had some lectures in the distant architecture buildings last year. The toilets on the level where you walk in are very cramped and mildly gross. Also old. Shout out to the toilets down the stairs and to the right though. Although also a bit dank, I once took a satisfying, solitary shit here, which was nice. 5/10.

Commerce A

Small, old, and unremarkable. Hand-dryer towels are annoyingly positioned above the sink, so you end up in someone’s way while trying to dry. 6/10.

Law School

I have peed in many places here, but maybe I’ll save a full review for Verbatim. To summarise, if you want privacy, head to the hidden locker room toilets downstairs or the hidden stairwell ones in 810. For a more convenient pee, head to the right of the law school cafe. 6.5/10.

Albert Park

These are a good mid-way point between Uni and Town. Ask yourself this though, do you hate yourself that much? Are things truly that desperate? Keep in mind that although the threat may loom large, the odds of actually pissing yourself are low. Have some self-respect, and get your ass to Genlib. 0/10.

Guest Pee-er on unisex toilets: 

note: trans on campus are starting research into toilets on campus. About time!

• There’s no unisex toilet in Kate Edger.
• No unisex toilet in the library.
• There’s one in the new science building. Pro: very big and new, accessible. Con: lots of people in that area, user might feel uncomfortable going into it. And it’s not accessible after normal working hours.
• There are three in the clock tower east wing. Highly recommended. Pro: v clean and not many people know of their existence. Con: not accessible after normal working hours.
• Apparently there’s one in the biology building but I’ve never managed to find it.