We know what you’re thinking: now that physical classes have been scrapped, I’ll never be able to get with my cute tutor. Never fear! Craccum’s got you covered. Flirting experts* Cam and Dan share their top ten tips for taking your student-tutor relationship to the next level:
* We both have partners, so clearly something worked.
While your tutor’s giving you feedback, start subtly using your body language to show your interest. Try twirling hair strands between your fingers, biting your lip, and winking. When they give you a bad grade, just laugh and tell them how mean they are 😉 If they say they like your work, say “Thanks Big Boy” and giggle incessantly. Keep giggling for a few minutes. You can never giggle too much.
Any idea that anyone else in the call has is trash. This is a competition and you’ve got to win. One-up every idea anyone else proposes. If someone did the reading, you’ve done it twice. If they thought the reading raised good points, you thought it raised GREAT points. Subtly find ways to make yourself look good. See if you can position your screen to be next to someone ugly, you’ll look better by comparison.
You’ll need a headphone cable with a microphone built into it for this one. Start by moving the microphone up to your mouth. Slowly – ever so slowly – begin whispering. The wetter and grosser the whispering sounds, the better. It doesn’t really matter what you say so long as you say it staring straight into your webcam. That way, when the tutor glances up at the screen wondering where the fuck that noise is coming from, they’ll find themselves locking eyes with you. As soon as this happens, deepthroat the microphone a little and raise your eyebrows. Guaranteed to get them hot under the collar.
For all of you who haven’t seen the video for Taylor Swift’s seminal song You Belong With Me: shame on you. All you’ll need to pull this one off is a piece of paper and a sharpie. Scribble down something really romantic (“I wanna bone”? Or “I’d shave my legs for you”? Something along those lines), and flash the card up on screen every couple of minutes. Even if the tutor doesn’t actually read the card, thanks to the powers of subliminal messaging, they’re 100% guaranteed to fall in love on the spot.
What this lockdown takes away with one hand, it gives with the other. Sure, you’re locked inside, and that means you can’t go out to find your love. But – assuming you’re isolating with family or flatmates – you’ve now got access to a support network of wingmen and wingwomen who literally couldn’t get away from you if they tried. Try roping a couple of these people into your next flirting attempt. Convince a flatmate to walk past your webcam every once in a while and say (loudly), “Wow! I still can’t believe you’re single, what with that eight pack of abs you have”. Pay a family member to walk into your room and tell you off, mid-call, for risking your life to save those puppies in that burning orphanage that one time. Have a mate come in and inform you that he has to, absolutely has to run the washing right now so you better strip off immediately and chuck your clothes in the washing basket. You get the idea.
Trust me. This works! I saw it in a nature documentary. Apparently, gorillas flare their nostrils to attract partners. As Darwin famously wrote in The Origin of Species, “gorillas and humans are like 99% the same basically” – so that means it should work on 99% of humans too. Don’t believe me? Try it out for yourself! Next time you’re killing time in your tutorial, whack your webcam up a nasal cavity. Really get it in there, the more hairs on screen the better. You can thank me later.
Hey, I know what you’re thinking: how am I supposed to get my tutor’s attention when my face looks like a bruised ass cheek? Answer: replace your face with someone else’s. Google “hot guy face” or “hot girl face” and a couple hundred images come up. Download one, print it off, and tape it to the front of your webcam. Boom! Problem solved. Just remember to wiggle the photo around every couple of minutes to make it look like you’re a real human being.
According to Wikipedia this is one way of flirting. And I don’t know about you, but I trust Wikipedia to tell me how to flirt. When they rest their face on their hand, you do the same. When they smile, you smile. When they tell you to stop being so creepy, you tell them to stop being so creepy. Wear a wig to match their hair style. Change clothes so you both are wearing the same thing. Wow isn’t that so crazy, it’s almost like you’re meant for each other. Like you two should be together. Forever.
Oops. Guess they just saw you naked. What an accident. You totally didn’t mean for that to happen. But did they like what they saw? Did they want to see more?
Keep it spicy by making your assignments that little bit more sexy. Insert emojis and winky faces into the essay where you think it gets a bit frisky. Use adjectives like hot, moist, and wet to describe concepts. Refer to all authors as ‘Daddy’ or ‘Mistress’. Refer to your last body paragraph as the ‘Climax’ of your essay and in that conclusion, you ‘cum’ to some sticky conclusions don’t you?