UoA: Meaningful Confessions is a great invention. Talk to a bunch of students in the university and the conversation will somehow wind itself around to mentioning a meaningful confession that one of you read the other day. It’s somehow assumed that every student knows what the meaningful confessions are and has probably read whichever one you’re referencing. And 9 out of 10 times, that assumption is correct. Isn’t this the closest thing us UoA students have to student culture?
However, go onto the Facebook page today and you will see a sea of COVID-19 posts and scroll a bit further down to see people trashing biomed and general IC4 angst. While all very real issues (to varying extents), it can be hard to find the true gems of confessions that make the page the treasure that it is. So, I read every meaningful confession so you don’t have to! All (as of today) 2146 of them. You’re welcome. Here are my top ten picks (in no particular order). Look them up for some laughs, escapism, or tips that just might save your life and/or dignity.
#669 The Irresistible Jelly. “Whenever you would look at it … world peace would fall over the world for a split second.”
While everyone is out there confessing their crush on the cute girl at the OWeek stall or the boy sat in front of them in the lecture theatre, 7Anon writes a poetic love letter to jelly. An iconic moment in the history of Meaningful Confessions.
#1873 Sex? Not for me thanks. “Some people say they’re saving themselves for marriage and I say why stop there? Think bigger. Think death.”
With everyone at uni and many now living on their own and others with more time on their hands because of the COVID-19 situation, many of you might be thinking of having sex. May I direct you to this confession and see if I can convince you not to do such a heinous deed.
#1031 Dear Mrs Potato. “You are crazy. If I had to describe you in one sentence with an adjective, that would be my answer.”
This confession wins the award for the most wholesome sappy love letter. Despite the mixed messages, insults, and intense focus on the recipient’s sister, it will still pull on your sappy heartstrings.
#2035 Pre exam shooey. “So you know that unspoken fear all girls have when they go into the bathroom somewhere and the toilet seat lid is down?”
This one’s for all you readers who get off on other people’s pain.
#2001 and #1999 Goodbye shadows. “Shadows worship is not a substitute for a personality.”
This is what happens when you insult Shadows. Watch the drama of this Shadows duel unfold.
#1872. My wisdom teeth. “I have been waiting all my life for a saucy spicy dripping hot French lad to come over and shove his baguette right into my pumpkin soup and out of all the fucking timeline that a human being could ever exist in, my wisdom teeth decided to fuck my jaw up on a random Thursday”
Best Tinder date story ever.
#1639 Listen up, kids. “It drives me crazy when people are like “oh yeah, I’ve pretty much finished, just have to do my references.” NO YOU FREAKIN’ DON’T!”
Read this before you graduate.
#1611 Universe telling me something? “I have seen you every. single. day. for the past 5 weeks. Sometimes you don’t see me, sometimes you do and it’s happened so much that I think you’ve noticed it too.”
Is it the Universe? Is it Joe Goldberg? Read it and find out.
#1529. Dear All Years Above First Year.
Take pity on them, y’all.
#1527 why u always lyin. “I lowkey calculated the minimum grade she needs to get into 2nd year(i think the minimum gpa is 6 right?correct me if im wrong) which is a 9 for all courses this year if her existing gpa is 4.725.”
If you thought you were petty, watch this person obsess over whether their friend is really a law student. My only question is: why do you care?
#1230 WHERE THE FUCK YOU AT DUDE. “So sometimes your boy here gallivants in OGGB looking for that one meat I wanna eat.”
There’s a lot of love confessions on this page but this one takes the cake for really making me want to find this boy the meat he wants, no matter what it takes goddammit, and I think you might feel the same too.
#731 LIFE. “I wake up at 6, no wait I wake up at 7…actually I set my alarm for 5:30, because that’s when I think someone who is doing biomed should wake up.”
Read for an accurate “day in the life” of a student. Might be depressing but this is also realism at its finest.
#511 90s child stuck in a society to which he doesn’t belong. “While everyone else jams to hip hop music, with words filled with no meaning other than talking about drugs and “bitches”, I can’t seem to move away from the deep dark meaningful words of Linkin Park which gave me reason to live through my teenage years.”
He’s not like other guys. We all know someone like this.
