How do you like your eggs in the morning?
I like mine with a kiss
Boiled or fried?
I’m satisfied as long as I get my kiss
– Dean Martin (Rich, Young, and Pretty)
Poached
How to: Medium boil, no crazy bubbling. To get it fancy like those brunch places you love, stir it like you’re a kid running around a swimming pool then crack the egg in the middle of the vortex. Cook 5-6 mins for a runny centre.
Public opinion: Sherry fucked up her boiled bois the other day and received a lot of unsolicited advice including:
James: Add some vinegar to the water and also you have the heat too high.
Sherry: Everyone thinks I’m trying to poach but really I just cracked my boiled egg.
James: Yeah I thought you were trying to poach.
Conclusion:
S:I’ll eat them but I don’t get all the damn hype about them. Also what’s this shit about the 63 degree egg? But damn hollandaise is good. 3/10
M: Poaching eggs makes the white taste bland as hell. But, the yolk tastes like liquid gold. It gives and it takes. 6/10
Scrambled
How to: The perfect texture for scrambled eggs is just *slightly* runny, no arguments. Medium heat, and a girthy stick of butter. Whip cream and eggs ‘til combined. Pour into the pan, and when the edges perk up start going to town with a rubber whisk. The minute it’s 50/50 runny and cooked, turn off the heat and let it sit there and steam. Season with salt, pepper and chilli flakes. Mic drop.
Public opinion: from our extensive field research only one respondent noted it was their fave: ‘scrambled babyyyyy.’
Conclusion:
S: I love scrambled eggs and it loves me back. 7/10 would be higher but can be easily over cooked and nasty.
M: I think scrambled eggs are good, lots of cream is nice, but I don’t like doing dishes. If someone else wants to cook them for me in the morning ;)) I’d be down. 8/10 probably the worst one for you, so it tastes the best.
Boiled (soft/hard)
How to: Start with water from your freshly boiled kettle. Continue heating on stove with medium to high heat. Run egg under warm water at the sink, before lowering it GENTLY into the water. This prevents cracking. Boil for 4-5 minutes for runny center, 7 for soft yolk and 9-10 for hard boiled. Take off heat, crack the shell, and run under cold water before peeling. Season with salt and pepper.
Conclusion:
S: 8/10 I love soft yolky… i’m just so bad at them 🙁
M: 9/10, medium cook is the way to go, simple, elegant, refined.
French Omelette
How to: There are two ways to cook an omelette; french and bullshit. Start with low to medium heat, and pour eggs mixed with cream into the pan. Swirl the mixture around the pan to distribute evenly. Using a spatula or chopsticks, make small curdles and wait until half set. Then, gently roll the egg over itself and place on your plate. Garnish with chives. The middle should be gooey and soft. Bullshit methos is to just chuck everything in. C’est la vie.
Public opinion: No responses about french omelettes because students are too poor for cream and chives.
Conclusion:
S: 2/10 I’ve never tried making it.maybe 3/10 if it’s got good chutney. Idk maybe I’m a purist.
M: 7/10, you have to mess around a bit, but a good Sunday treat. I have been working to master the French omelette, and I think I’ve finally got it. It’s a superior option.
Fried
HOW TO: Pour oil, then up HOT. Put egg in, wait for crispy edges and lil bubbles. If you touch it before it’s ready, it will stick onto the pan, tear up and everyone will cry :(. That’s the sunny side. Flip it over for over-easy. Extra for experts: pour hot oil over the egg, cover with a wet lid for basted olive oil steam goodness.
Public opinion: Very popular! Almost all responses sounded something like this: ‘get that pan HOT HOT before you crack’ ‘HOT ass pan before putting egg in’ ‘ flip for 20 secs for squishy centre.’
Conclusion:
S: 9/10 goes with everything. The LBD of eggs. My mum gets fancy by adding some soy sauce, brown sugar, goji berries and sliced ginger.
M: 4/10, fried eggs are a violent thing to cook and I’m a pacifist. My dad is terrible at cooking fried eggs, they are always black on the bottom, but it reminds me of him so CUTE.
Coming in Pt 2: Chinese Steamed egg, Raw(r), Vegan egg, tsa dan, egg soldiers, salted duck egg, Easter eggs, fertilised??? amongst many more. Got your own special egg to impress your dates in the morning? Lifestyle@craccum.co.nz.
