Welcome to Craccum, where we put the “agony” in “agony aunt.” We’re not qualified to deal with your problems, but neither are you.
Why do I still have to pay my rent if I’m not at the halls?
IF YOU EVER FIND OUT CAN YOU PLEASE LET ME KNOW.
“Wouldn’t Change a Thing” is the best song from the Camp Rock series. Yes or no?
You come into my house. You leave your shoes on. You eat my homemade pumpkin pie. You have the gall, the audacity, to slander Introducing Me. You look me dead in the face, on my private property, and suggest that This Is Me is inferior. You tell my children that Can’t Back Down is a sub-par entry into the Camp Rock discography. You heavily imply that 2 Stars was written by an illiterate toad. And then, when you’ve had your fun, you take a moment to spit right in the face of Here I Am as you leave my home. You stole my silverware, you craven, festering ooze of a man.
I cannot fathom the brazenness, the unmitigated CHUTZPAH of your question. Never speak to me or my son ever again. You are blacklisted from Craccum and no longer permitted to read our publication.
Why don’t more people sign up for StudentCard?
My response to reading this question was “what is StudentCard.” I imagine this gives you some insight into the issue.
Is Jacinda Ardern the best thing that’s happened for New Zealand?
That title belongs to Taika Waititi, closely followed by the concept of beer-battered fish.
CRACCUM’S CRACKIN’ TIP:
This tip directly addresses my neighbour, who is currently cutting down trees with a chainsaw that has reached an obscene volume.
Hey there man, I’ve got a tip for you. Stop that shit. I know the odds you read this column are next to none, but I’m genuinely considering putting a copy of this issue in your mailbox. Take a five minute break from murdering Mother Nature to just let me have a few moments of peace. Show some compassion for your fellow man.
