Like a Phoenix rising from the Ashes, or like Simon Bridges rising from the back benches, Gloria Hole has returned to spread the goss on what your week has in store for you.
Aries
This week, you’ll craft the perfect original joke. It’ll come out of nowhere – you’ll be chatting about a mundane topic with your friends, and then suddenly, you’ll inject your quick wit to liven the situation. Your lucky number is 2, because I haven’t mentioned the second option of course – that you’ll forget the joke on the spot. Now which will you let it be?
Taurus
An outgoing and cheerful person will attempt to spark conversation with you this week. Shut them down by all means necessary. Your lucky number this week is 13, a number just as miserable as you are.
Gemini
This week, you will come to terms with the devastation of being replaced. To mask the emotional pain, you will find yourself increasing your social media presence. If it makes you feel any better, your lucky number this week is 53, which is the number of days after which the new guy will be gone anyways.
Cancer
This week, you will be rewarded your fifteen minutes of fame on television. You learn from the stars you will appear on Fair Go – or did they say Motorway Patrol? Your lucky number this week is 100 – I’d be looking out for that on your speedometer if I were you.
Leo
This week, you will be hit by a flying object. The stars recommend that you try to avoid standing still. Your lucky number this week is 3, the number of times you should have checked over your shoulder since the start of this sentence – keep up that hyperawareness for the rest of the week.
Virgo
If your One & Only does things in the exact order you’ve divinely pre-ordained three weeks in advance, you might just realise your dream of finding the feeling that Fleetwood Mac’s “Everywhere” summons within you. Or you might not, because when do things ever really go your way. Embrace your inner Taylor Swift because your lucky number this week is 22.
Libra
You will remain hot, sexy, cultured and utterly dead behind the eyes. Take what you will from that. Your lucky number for this week is 87, the number of Tinder likes you’ve accrued on your newest account. However, you remain fearful of actually looking at who these people might be, because if the people who like you are ugly, then can you really stand being you?
Scorpio
This week, you will OK a boomer, and it will send their life into a devastating spiral – who knew you had such power? Whoever said “words will never hurt me” has obviously never succumbed to a triple word score in Scrabble. Your lucky number this week is 10, which, for a bit of trivia, is the number of points the word BOOMER rewards in the game.
Sagittarius
This week, you will receive a handshake from a man named Steve. Please be delicate with Steve – he’s had a rough week. Your lucky number is 0, the cost it takes to spread a little bit of love.
Capricorn
Don’t doubt yourself with some childish idea of ‘empathy’. You’re right, he IS dog shit. Your lucky number is 10, the number of letters it takes to spell ‘thank u, next’.
Aquarius
Nice one. This week, you’ve gone and pissed off the stars. Your lucky number is irrational.
Pisces
This week, you will be left frustrated by someone’s inability to carry out your demands. The stars tell you to exercise patience, but if that fails, then screw it – just get them fired. Your lucky number this week is 14, which is the number of days’ notice they have coming. But do you really want to be known as the ruthless office bitch?
