Despite being furloughed twice in the last 24 hours, Craccum’s resident oracle Gloria Hole has barricaded herself in the office, and is refusing to come out until your future has been foretold.
Aries
Hearing of others’ achievements will leave you feeling inadequate. Unfortunately, this is the week for you to congratulate others. However, the stars implore you to retain your focus, as your time to celebrate is coming very soon. Your lucky number this week is 15, in honour of Mark Mitchell, the new leader of Opposition 15th ranked MP of the National party.
Taurus
This week, you will skip your 8am. You’re welcome. Your lucky number this week is 60, the number of extra minutes sleep you’ll be getting. The stars really aren’t holding out hope for your semester, are they?
Gemini
You’ve impressed the stars with your taste in music. Perhaps you could do a friend a favour this week, and introduce them to a new album or artist. Just keep in mind that your lucky number this week is zero – the amount of tolerance the stars have for DJ Khaled.
Cancer
Once again, someone will come to you this week with a problem and expect you to listen to their endless whining. Tell them to see a shrink and leave you alone, you’re watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine and writing three essays. You do not have to be there for everyone at all times; you should work on being your own priority. Ironically, your lucky number is 99.
Leo
It’s going to take some strong mental fortitude from you not to send your bank balance into overdraft this week. Your lucky number is below zero, which seems to be the temperature in your shitty flat. You make up some poor excuse to tell yourself it’s okay though; surely, before man discovered fire, man was cold, right?
Virgo
The stars are asking you to try, just one time, to have an Emotion. Just one Feeling. You might find it soothing, or it might be 0/10 never doing again, but the idea is to give it a whirl. Therefore, your lucky number is 1.
Libra
Stop it. Put it down. Put down your phone. You do not need to order Pad Thai for dinner tonight. Delete the Uber Eats app from your phone and give your bank balance some time to breathe. Your lucky number is $22.50, the amount of money you just kept in your wallet.
Scorpio
The stars predict you will spend 40 hours in the library this week. Unfortunately, that library belongs to Netflix Inc. of California. Your lucky number this week is 4, which is the number of courses you’ll fail if you don’t stop watching goddamn Netflix!!!
Sagittarius
This week, you’ll make a discovery. I mean, it won’t win you a Nobel prize, but the stars are pretty confident that it’ll leave you fairly excited afterwards. This week, your lucky number is 11. Well, why is that number significant? Hmmm, perhaps that’s your discovery…
Capricorn
This week, you’ll meet one of your idols, but they’ll be a lot shorter than you envisioned. So much for looking up to them. Your lucky number this week is 15, the number of seconds they’ll entertain your earnest questioning before brushing you off.
Aquarius
Some things in life age like fine wine. Your comments this week are not one of them. In fact, you’ll find your comments this week will be ageing more like an Olsen twin. Your lucky number this week is 52, the number of apologies you’ll have to make to restore tranquility.
Pisces
You’ll realise you’re getting old once that coffee addiction turns into a religious tea-drinking habit. Before you know it, you’ll be taking medication for your joint pain. Your lucky number is 50, which is how old you really are on the inside. Turns out university has been slowly killing you from within all along.
