On her third-favourite time of year (behind Christmas and Anzac Day), Craccum’s resident oracle Gloria Hole is ready to welcome in the SEX WEEK edition with a bang, pun intended.
This week, you will discover your tutor has really nice eyes. And quite luscious hair. Now, come to think of it, their smile is kinda cute too. Ah fuck. Your lucky number is 15, which is the age difference between you two. But surely, you can make that work, right?
This week, you will find yourself becoming horny in the most uncomfortable situation possible. To desensitize your urges, the stars recommend you to think of death, expired milk, or David Clark’s tenure as Health Minister. Your lucky number this week is 69. Control yourself – it’s just a number.
All the astrology Twitter accounts love hating you almost as much as they love being driven by their utter hate-boners about Libras. But unlike them, true love is within your grasp. Your lucky number is 6, the number of toes that will curl if you play your cards just right.
Navigating a difficult or challenging circumstance will make this an uneasy week for you. In the midst of all the stress, don’t feel embarrassed in treating yourself to some time alone, however you want to spend it. Your lucky number this week is 5, the number of days of uni you’ll have to rough it out for, but we promise you’ll make it to the end. <3
You’re going to march through this week with roaring sexual energy, changing the temperature in every room and turning heads. Your lucky number is 7, the number of people you will have brought home by the end of the week.
You will not have to surrender control this week, but if you surrender just a faintest smirk at your admirer, you will find true bliss. All your holes will be sucked and fucked. Your lucky number is 85, as in the amount of seconds between each rolling wave of orgasm.
Your lucky number is 11. As in, the number of partners you could have… if you wanted that. With a simple I Dream of Jeannie head nod, it could all be yours. But if you’re not so inclined, your number is 2.
This week you’ll run into a cute boy with auburn hair and pasty, white skin. No, he’s not a Cullen – he’s an engineering student who has come out of the basement for a can of Red Bull. Your lucky number is 8, the number of words you’ll exchange before he scurries back downstairs with an awkward goodbye and a worried smile.
This week (as with every other week) you won’t have sex. There. That was easy. Your lucky number is 4, which is the number of people you will bump into who will secretly take pity on your sex life.
The only thing that can really get you going this week is productivity. You’re going to micromanage your masturbation breaks, making them as efficient as possible. Your lucky number is 20, the number of seconds you’ll spend in climax, before bouncing back over to your laptop to finish up those emails.
You may be wondering if anyone will love you this year. They might not. But you know who will? You. And you know who will provide the instruments to loving yourself? Peaches & Cream. Your lucky number is 453, the model number for the vibrator you’ll be buying this Thursday.
Don’t worry, it’s okay; no one will find out you’re a virgin. You don’t have to tell anyone you don’t want to know. Just play some Club Penguin and enjoy the freedom of not having made this decision. Or bake some banana bread – I guarantee that’s better than sex anyway. Your lucky number this week is 1 – the number of people it takes for some self love. 🙂