Disclaimer: This article is intended as satire and does not contain any actual advice. We thank the reader who wrote in to clarify that we do not actually recommend doing any of these things (Unless you and your consenting partner have discussed so beforehand).
Hey you. We get it! You’ve been going out with your partner for a long time, and you don’t know how to keep things fresh in the bedroom. You want to know how to keep it sexy. You want to know how to be frisky and wild like you were when you first had sex; how to keep your lover hot under the collar and warm under the covers. Never fear – here at Craccum we know just how to keep it sexy. We’re fucking good at fucking. So if you want some hot, moist, juicy top tips, read on.
You’ve been playing music during sex for so long now that you can sing the lyrics to every song on the playlist. Mix it up! Next time, instead of queueing up the trustee ‘Playlist 4 Sex’, chuck on a podcast. It’s a great way to learn something new while you’re having sex. It also gives your partner something to listen to while you flail away helplessly. Craccum recommends BBC News Night Weekly (gotta keep up-to-date with all them current events, y’all!), Dan Carlin’s Hardcore Histories, and the Financial Independence podcast. For even better results, try quizzing your partner about the podcast afterwards, just to make sure they’re really paying attention.
Communication is the cornerstone of good sex. That’s why it’s important to constantly seek feedback from your partner about it. Next time you have sex, spice things by asking every twenty seconds if they’re cumming yet. Even better, set a timer on your watch to remind you when to ask. Nothing will turn your partner on like constantly having to assure your insecure ego that they’re having a good time.
This one comes straight from the 50 Shades of Grey playbook. Light a candle and drip the hot wax down your partner’s torso. Not only is it really fucking hot, it’s also really fucking hot. Look, we’re not gonna lie, we haven’t tried this ourselves, but it was in 50 Shades so it must do it for some people. Plus Briscoes is having a candle sale at the moment. Win-win.
Again, this one comes to us courtesy of E.L. James (shout-out to all the bored and horny stay-at-home mums! Woop woop!). Next time you’re getting down to business, whip out a silk scarf and tie your partner to the bedposts. It’s a hot display of dominance; one that’s guaranteed to turn them on. If you don’t have a silk scarf handy (I mean, come on, we’re students, not the fucking Sultan of Brunei), don’t sweat it – a couple of hockey socks (prefereably not used), a tea towel, or the tape you used for Scrumpy Hands last night should do the trick. Just remember to untie your partner when you’re done.
Hey, everyone’s got their roleplay fetish. Chances are you or someone you know has fantasized about having sex with a sexy nurse, or doctor, or teacher, or cop, or pilot, or army vet, etc. There’s no shame in that! Sometimes you just wanna be someone else. Embrace it, and bring it to the bed next time you and your partner are getting down!
But fair warning: you must be prepared to commit to the role. Dye your hair. Practice your accent. Spend two weeks in the sub-saharan desert learning exactly what it was like to be a 1940s North-African Army Surgeon. Nothing is sexier than a great performance in and out of the bed; make sure you nail your part.
Nurse roleplays are outdated. So are any other roleplay scenarios in which you take on the persona of a particular job (cop, doctor, actor, student, etc). Try something a little more out there! Try something you and your partner would never have thought of!
There’s a whole world out there or different and more exciting scenarios: you could roleplay as characters from your childhood (Tinky Winky has been a very naughty teletubby), as animals, or as fictional, half-human half-animal hybrids. Craccum recommends roleplaying as the Cookie Monster (“C is for Clitoris”), but honestly, the more creative you get with this one, the better. Skies the limit!
Okay, now we’re getting serious. Whips and chains can be welcome additions to anybody’s sex life. Often associated with BDSM ala 50 Shades (which isn’t really BDSM from what we’re told), whips and chains are there for when you love some pain mixed with the pleasure. You can do it low and slow, or hard and fast. Communication is key. Our friends at Adult Toy Mega Store can hook you up with whatever you may desire.
There’s no shame in being into this! Foot fetishes are very in vogue at the moment, what with all the money to be made selling foot pics. If it’s something you or your partner is into, try a footjob. Think a handjob… but with your feet. I know, I know. Complicated. If you’re strapped for cash, you can knock-out two birds with one stone: upload the pics you sent your partner to OnlyFans and make some $$ on the side. Studylink don’t have to know ;).
Honestly, just open up on that bad boy. Go to town. Coat the walls. Coat the floors. If you can, coat the ceilings. Peeing on things is guaranteed to turn your partner on. Trust me. It works even better when you don’t warn them.
It’s true that this one requires more prep than most of the others – you’re gonna have to spend the day before hoarding your pee and downing loads and loads of water – but it’s also the most fun. It’s basically just playing tag with your piss, and you can set yourself secret objectives while you’re going to keep you on your toes: can you get the piss to go between the little hole in the bed frame? Can you get it to wipe off that spot on the window? Can you turn on the light switch through the pure power of your piss alone? After a few attempts, you’ll be a crackshot.
Okay, I know this isn’t actually how this fetish works. It’s all about being aroused by urine. Science says the act of peeing on your partner turns some people on because it makes them feel more intimate. Some partners also like the feeling of dominating/being dominated that comes from peeing on/being peed on by someone. So try it out! You never know, you might like it.
Beware though: unless you like sleeping in soggy, piss-laden sheets, clean-up is going to be a bitch. Invest in some rubber sheets perhaps. Alternatively, we recommend you find a nice hotel (one which doesn’t charge an extra clean-up free).
Coprophilia is defined as a sexual arousal to feces. It’s also called Scat. According to psychologists, when humans are aroused, our disgust reflex is temporarily disabled. Psychologists also say there is something about the taboo which adds to the excitement. We don’t have any first-hand knowledge or experience with this, but our judgment free advice is simply to inform your partner that this is what you’re into. No unexpected surprises are appreciated in scat play.
You sly fox you, you’re thinking about writing a short news piece, aren’t you? You dirty bitch, you know that turns me on. Tie me to the bed with a silk scarf and then write. Fucking write. And what’s that? You’re going to put a pun in the title? Hurry up and fuck me already.