Perhaps Craccum’s resident oracle Gloria Hole really shouldn’t have reentered an accommodation contract with the university for Semester Two. Anyways, her own bad fortune hasn’t stopped her from sharing yours with you this week…
Aries
Lockdown 2: Electric Boogaloo getting on your nerves? Get outside! Take a stroll through the local park and look around at nature – the trees waving in the wind, the birds flitting between branches, the bees hopping from dandelion to dandelion. Fuck those guys. They’re just rubbing it in.
Taurus
The sun is shining, the trees are rustling in the breeze, and you’re stuck at home unable to enjoy it. But you don’t let that dampen your enthusiasm, Taurus. You choose to dabble in watching an episode of Shortland Street (or two), but all it ends up telling you is that the 1pm COVID briefing is the only TV programming worth watching anymore.
Gemini
This week is games week! Dust off your copy of Monopoly, round up the whole crew, and drive everyone who ever loved you further and further away from you. Relationships aren’t as important as winning, so feel free to really go to town on that sucker – scream at people if they take the land you were going to buy, threaten to walk away if you have to pay someone rent, and start crying if anyone looks like they’re doing better than you. Fun for the whole family!
Cancer
The universe has spoken: it’s time to get back into binge-watching Netflix shows. Grab some popcorn, your favourite pair of sweatpants, and crack into some quality (or not quality, depending on your preferences) TV. Why not re-watch Game of Thrones? It was the original disappointing sequel.
Leo
You’ve got a chill week ahead of you. Why not fill your time by making masks for friends and family? Here, let me answer that for you: because they’re all ungrateful bastards. Prepare to spend the first half of your week painstakingly sewing masks for others, and the second half receiving backhanded compliments like “it doesn’t look as bad as I thought it would, I guess”. Gee, thanks Sharon. That’s the last time I do anything for you.
Virgo
This week you will use your pumping anxiety to engage in a deep organization of your room. Everything will be colour-coded, in order of height. Your hands will work separate to your mind, pushing away all of your basic needs to ensure that you have control. Marie Kondo better not step to you because you will drag that amateur down.
Libra
Oops, you did it again. And again. Hasn’t anyone ever told you not to make the same mistake twice? This week, you’ll have the opportunity to change things, or keep down the same shitty path. The stars are urging you to make a change, you dumb bitch. (Don’t get mad at me; the stars said it).
Scorpio
This week, a new planet is going to make its way into your relationship. You and your partner might be hesitant, but the stars are urging you to make room in your galaxy. You know what they say; three’s a party.
Sagittarius
Three days spent tidying up after all your flatmates has turned you into a communist. Karl Marx was right. Equal division of labor is the way to go. It’s time to stage a flat uprising; round-up all your like-minded flatmates and drive out the lazy bougouriese who refuse to wash dishes and throw their clothes in the laundry.
Capricorn
NO. You hear me? NO. Put it down. Back away. Hold those hands up where I can see them. You do not need that. You do not WANT that. Be good. Are you listening to me? NO.
Aquarius
This week is an opportunity to sit back and relax. Kick off your shoes, untie your hair, and free those titties. Who needs underwear? Let the breeze air your crotch out. It looks like it’s time to pull out the comfy sweats, and bed socks. But also, sleeping naked is actually better for your skin! Roll back to where time is best spent, in bed and having a snooze.
Pisces
GET AWAY FROM THE WINDOWS! It’s not safe anymore! Apparently you threw a Starbucks coffee cup in the wrong recycling bin this week? What the fuck is wrong with you! Use a keep cup goddammit! Your non-disposable coffee cup has pushed the cosmos out of alignment, and now a tsunami wave of pissed-off koi fish are headed to your place to teach you a lesson. Run! Run for your goddamn life!
