Inspired by TikTok user @eat_drugs ‘s exposé on the windows in OGH, we decided to investigate those things on campus at UoA that just don’t make a lot of sense. And boy oh boy, are there lots of them.
Here at Craccum, we pride ourselves on our ability to expose untruths. That’s just the kind of hard-hitting journalism we put our lives on the line to bring you.
Recently, a TikTok by user @eat_drugs has gone semi-viral, claiming that the windows of the lecture theatre in Old Government House are fake. Craccum can confirm the truth; the windows are NOT fake.
But, they are really fucking weird. There are thick slats on the inside which are seemingly glued shut. So, the windows exist, but they seem to have been intentionally rendered completely useless. We personally think this is actually weirder. Also, the curtains are always pulled back over empty walls. Our theory is that so many students tried to claw their way out of lectures that they had to find some way to secure the building. As they say, truth is stranger than fiction.
The new Engineering building is fancier than the Bat Cave. From the looks of it, you’d think it had everything, including solid-gold toilets and a free Make-Your-Own-Sundae bar. But guess what: there are hardly any power outlets. With all that pomp and grandeur, the budget must have been cleaned out before they could put in more than about two outlets. I guess Engineers don’t need to charge their laptops? Maybe it’s some kind of final exam, where you have to MacGyver your own self-charging laptop before you become a Real Engineer. Regardless, the fact that you need the Marauders Map to find an outlet in the building that’s training our future electrical engineers probably doesn’t bode well.
My first question is, why was a bridge built between two buildings where there is already a common space between them? My second question is, why would you spend money building said bridge and then put a chain across it that reads “PLEASE DO NOT USE THIS BRIDGE FOR ACCESS”? Then what, the pray tell fuck, shall I use it for? Baking brownies? Hula hooping? You people are supposed to be ARCHITECTS.
And what is right next to this bridge you can’t use, you ask? A fucking STAIRCASE you can’t use! This whole building is a damn MC Escher painting. Could you lot please stop being #edgy for five minutes and design something that makes sense?
You know what’s great? Putting in a lift so wheelchair users can access your facilities. You know what’s NOT great? Covering that lift with a heavy-ass door that only Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson could budge. I’m sure John Cena will appreciate being able to use the lift when he inevitably visits our campus, but he’ll have to stand there all damn day holding it open for the wheelchair users who actually need it. Come on, OGGB – you can have a random ping-pong table in your courtyard that someone’s trust fund paid for, but you can’t get an accessible door? Spend some of this year’s tax break on sorting your shit.
There is a perfectly good, open entrance to the Arts Quad between Mojo and HA! Poke. It’s clear, inviting, and fits its purpose. So, why is there that weird twisty part where you can squeeze between two concrete walls and a weird frosted-glass panel to get to the same place, but with eighty extra steps and twelve times as much claustrophobia? This random bit of extra-ness is honestly the most Arts Student thing we’ve ever beheld, except maybe a person in a plaid shirt buying fair-trade fishnet stockings.
Thought we were done with your architecture shit, didn’t you?! I LULLED YOU INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY, YOU BEANIE-WEARING FUCKS. You’re not getting away without answering for the random little section of squishy stuff in the middle of your outdoor area. Are lecturers afraid you’ll fall to the ground in despair? Do you like to play Bullrush in between classes? Why does your ground feel like a primary school playground, but only for three steps? I NEED ANSWERS GODDAMNIT.
The people who built this place either had a sick sense of humour, were on mushrooms, or both. Here is a small sample of the weirdest things about the Kingdom of Oddities that is this trashfire building:
Okay yeah look this is mostly well designed BUT we’re told that the doors coming into the science centre from Symonds St are designed so you can’t really see anyone coming in or out and the sliding door is so skinny it frequently causes a traffic jam. Not ideal. We recommend all you Stephen Hawking wannabes take a second from pouring vinegar onto baking soda to learn some basic doorway design.
This one is wholesome. If you head down the hill to law school and look to your right near the bottom, you’ll see a little tunnel leading to a carpark. Walk into the carpark and you’ll spot a big black bee spray-painted on the back wall, like a Bee Movie Banksy. Around it are a bunch of random plants and wooden structures. What is this place? It’s a student run bee sanctuary! The property owners have been letting law students plant bee-friendly plants, and build little structures for them, for over a year now. The idea is to create a habitat where bees can thrive in the city. True to form, the sanctuary usually does have a bunch of bees buzzing around it in summer. Don’t stick around too long or you might get stung.