The Crippling Loneliness

A crushing weight like a stone pressing against my chest. It runs deep. Further than muscle and blood. My every being resonates with emotions that are uncontrollable, unstoppable. Wild in every nature, spiralling further into depths I never knew I could reach. With the constant suppression, I've become a furnace about to explode. But the firm pressing of the doors held back everything. Like a cage whose doors rattle with the violent shakes of a deranged prisoner demanding to be set free. The mental barrier that stands strong after every push and probe. The silent assurance. It doesn't talk to me; it just stands firm. Every attempt that aims for my heart, the cages surrounding me push me back steadily. But sometimes it wasn't enough.

One may ask, "In what sense is this not enough?". Not enough to prevent these feelings that have grown violent and slipped out in an outburst targeting those who you do not mean to harm. True feelings coated in anger and frustration lashing out with harsh and hurtful words. At the end of the day, you're left feeling emptier, heavier and even less understood.

Some people don't realise that no one wants cages on your heart blocking your emotions, hiding them and preventing people from truly understanding you. Sometimes, others see you as "strong" and "mentally stable", "great" at managing your emotions. But to you, it's not controlling your emotions; it's blocking them, preventing them and never acknowledging them. You choose to suffer alone. You chose stability without having conflicts over wanting your feelings heard. It's hard, it's difficult, and it drains you into a lifeless person simply trying to exist.

I don't remember when it became like this. I don't know when I realised that this was the situation my emotions tethered on. I don't know how I plunged into a situation so deep that I still cannot pull myself out. Was it back in high school? Intermediate? Was it when many situations proved to me time and time again that people will never understand these feelings that I have harboured for so long?

What people will never understand is that everything becomes a front. I'm smiling, I'm laughing, I'm fine with everything, it's alright. But is everything truly fine? Is it alright?

This sort of situation it's crippling, it haunts, it's poisonous. It makes you vulnerable. So delicate, like a ceramic plate. Sturdy and durable. But, one wrong move and everything will come shattering down. Every mental fortitude, shield, and barrier that has been carefully designed over the years comes crashing down in an instant.

At the end of the day, after it passes, I wonder what I lost. Was it emotions, the ability to feel freely? No, it was trust. Trust that someone would understand the feelings I felt. Trust in my capabilities and my ability to bounce back. I have become a rabbit hiding in a burrow. So small, so afraid, so scared to try again and trust someone with emotions again. You've tried to express, you've tried to feel, but it's become a habit. A habit so hard to break it damages you.

It's lonely like this. It's draining. I want to move on. How will I ever escape from this situation? It wasn't my fault. I didn't want it to become like this.

How do I heal?

I miss my former self. Free, unrelenting, strong and confident. Stable in myself and my emotions. Now, I exist as a small part of my former self. I don't even remember what I was like before. Was that supposed to happen?

I don't even know anymore.